An ebb and flow

First of all I want to say that I am freaking grateful for all the blessing in my life. Thank you, thank you and thank you . The beginning of this month was painful, I was nervous and hurt, at one point I thought that I may not survive this challenge in life. But oh boy how quickly things change. I don’t want to jinx it but maybe I can manage them.

I also received an opportunity to move to Singapore for a job. I am taking it. I think it is time to get out of comfort zone. So I resign from my current job. Wew I am fucking excited. THANK YOU LIFE…

I won’t be complacent, the battle is not over yet so finger crossed.

What might make things a little better?

I woke up just before midnight, my anxiety made me sick to my stomach. It hurt so bad that tears started pouring. What should I do? I don’t want to wallow in misery.

Murakami’s quote resonates with me

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about”.

I pray for strength, I pray for guidance and I pray for serenity.

Everybody has their own problem, and I intend to find solutions to mine. Inspiration… where you at?

Hmm… let’s approach it differently, this whole finding the solution thing frustrate me a little. I am not going to solve this lifelong problem in one stroke, at best I am only going to chip away at it.

So, what might make things a little better?

one step at a time right, I think I am going to make myself a cup of warm tea, turn on the heater and watch 2 hours lecture at 1 am. I’ll comeback later and ask the same question. What might make things a little better?

Toodles strangers.

Self-care review

In my quest for better state of mind I’ve tried some tools at my disposal that I thought could help me feel better.

  • Massage : there are research about how physical touch could reduce loneliness (Heatley Tejada,2020). It was okay, I might do it once every 3 months. But I didn’t feel any significant change in moods after it.
  • Low-level bedroom light exposure: I will maintain this habit. Zero light before bed plus a sleep mask. It makes me sleep better but still depressed AF
  • Vitamins and stuff: I’ve been using lavender oil tablet for months for calming effects, couldn’t tell the difference now. I’ll continue to consume it. Also I went for blood test last month and my vitamin D and iron levels are low. Those with depression tend to have lower vitamin D levels than the general population, and people with the lowest levels tend to have the most significant depressive symptoms (Menon 2020), so I take the supplements and will check again with my GP in 3 months.
  • Take a walk in the park: felt okay when doing it but felt worse afterwards. Was it because I was exhausted? Will try again daily for a week. If it doesn’t work I’ll stop.
  • Journaling: I do it all the time, it’s the first thing that I do when I feel sad. It helps me expressing my feeling. I have no intention of stopping it. However the downside is RUMINATION (next project) and I tend to cry when I write. I am a bit sick of talking with myself at the moment. I am afraid that I am losing it.
  • Meditation: Did not work, I ended up listing my to do list in my mind and cursing. When I feel overwhelm meditation frustrate me. I am ditching it.
  • Worry list: I used to write everything that I was worried about and forget about it later. It worked but I wonder why I stop doing it. I’ll bring this habit back.

Things I would try and put on the next project

  • Build Self-Esteem (long list on this one). Research (Higgins & Strauman, 1987) indicates that when there is a mismatch between your “actual” and “ideal” selves, you are likely to get depressed. When your “actual” self becomes a lower-achieving version of your ideal self, depression will set in. So I should address the actual-ideal mismatch by increasing my actual self. I invest a lot in this one.
  •  Fix my circadian rhythm, I am doing master full time in the morning and work till 12am in the evening. Will resign in a few weeks.
  • Find potential channels for self-actualisation: I want to find that burning desire in the pursuit of knowledge again. They said “Following your genuine intellectual curiosity is better than following whatever makes money“. Well I no longer have that curiosity. Fml.
  • Healing past traumas and confront my fears. Try to understand the reasons behind my anger and check if they are justified. Why do I still remember them. I feel bitter. How do I let some of my grudges go. Was I just looking for reasons to be miserable?
  • Build deeper relationships with people and connect: Self explanatory, I am lonely. Hahaha. I have no social skills and have low tolerance with people (give people benefit of the doubt please).
  • Increase current level of emotional maturity
  • Be more chill : Yeah I need to define this more clearly. Oh well.
  • Find reasons to live: this one is dark. My actions were largely motivated by this. To stay alive. I am tired of living.

That is my ever growing list of list! hahaha. May I find a peace of mind


Heatley Tejada, A., Dunbar, R., & Montero, M. (2020). Physical Contact and Loneliness: Being Touched Reduces Perceptions of Loneliness. Adaptive human behavior and physiology6(3), 292–306.

Menon, V., Kar, S. K., Suthar, N., & Nebhinani, N. (2020). Vitamin D and Depression: A Critical Appraisal of the Evidence and Future Directions. Indian journal of psychological medicine42(1), 11–21.

Strauman, T. J., & Higgins, E. T. (1987). Automatic activation of self-discrepancies and emotional syndromes: when cognitive structures influence affect. Journal of personality and social psychology53(6), 1004–1014.

Little things that I appreciate in life

I am grateful for:

  • Candle light in a pitch black room
  • Paddling under blue sky on a hot summer day
  • Long hugs that convey the unspoken words
  • Blowing bubbles in the park
  • Stargazing accompanied by music
  • Hot showers
  • Sharing a home-cooked meal that was made with love
  • Back rubs, it bring me tears!
  • Discovering new ballad to play on piano
  • Warm blanket in a frigid cold weather
  • Reading a fantasy book about magic & mystery

Thank you for the blessings, I’ll discover more things to appreciate

Bring it on B*tch

I’ve been feeling anxious lately. It becomes debilitating and I know that I am slowly losing the battle. My heart aches and I keep waking up at ungodly hours. I can’t let it happen to me again. The monster inside me almost won last time. I am hurting and alone. Trying my best not to feed those negative emotions. For godsake, hold yourself together!

I am in so much pain, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I owe it to myself to fight. I’ll find the strength within me. I’ll shut my mouth and carry on. Either that or waiving the white flag. I am not ready yet.

Dear my inner demon, you want a fight? I’ll give you one. Bring it on. I’ll win this one or die trying… godspeed

Boybands, OJ and MATLAB

Today is one of those days where I desperately want to let go and lose my inhibitions

ALAS! It’s weekday, national championship is around the corner and Ramadan is approaching.

Desperate times call for desperate measures

So here I am, stuck in the office analysing slippages on MATLAB while pretending to be drunk with orange juice.

Headphone on, volume at max.

Listening to second generation K-pop songs and lusting over boyband members on my 5th monitor.

Does it work? F*ck no!

Hahaha what a life

If only…

Taking Accountability

I want to know objectively who I am and where I am at. Neither the rose coloured glass view that soothes my ego nor the grim outlook filled with self hate will help me grow. Sometimes I am in denial about my current states and in the rare moments that I let myself see within, the negativities creep in and I fall into the pity party.

Next time I give myself a constructive criticisms and feedbacks, I decided that I’ll detach myself. Try to be as honest as I can and instead of getting upset and moping, I’ll ask what’s the problem, am I being unrealistic? if not, can I fix my situation and how.

Epiphany, not so much but…

Have you ever done things that according to the religious values that you were raised on were forbidden but you did it anyway? Hell you might not even care about crossing it in the first place.

Well, that’s me. I know that part of growing up is finding my own values and becoming my own person. If I do something, that is because I choose to do it. So being told what to do or what not to do is not going to work. I need to get there by myself, make my own judgement.

I’ve always known that what I do for a living is considered haram. But I had never given it much thought. It didn’t bother me. Speculating in dozen of financial markets, executing SWAPs etc. I was and still am bedazzled by the world of algorithmic trading and working for a hedge fund that specialised in it was a logical step. Being part of the hedge fund club is kind of cool, I get to learn from brilliant minds. So I thought that was it.

But today, I read a post written by one of my fav writer, he mentioned how the activities that I do daily is “haram”. That’s not news to me, like duh… it’s obvious. But why all a sudden it disturbed me a little. Not much, but enough to annoy me. Hm.. I am not sure.

A lot of things are are going on in my life right now, there were uncertainties and the feeling of restlessness.

I am feeling vulnerable, so I don’t want to draw spurious or jump into conclusion like how my hard earned money is cursed and this is one of the reason I am so unhappy. That’s irrational, right?

Argg… yeah, definitely not logical. Oh well, I’ll revisit the topic later when I am in a better state of mind.

But this topic raised another question: Are hedge funds good for society? If we follow the market microstructure theory, it will say something along the line of how the improve market efficiency and bla bla bla. I just accept that answer and never actually investigate it myself or spend actual time thinking about it. I think that is my next pet project. Go gather data and information and draw a conclusion that satisfy my own curiosity.

Regarding my career future? I still have no idea. HA! I am a bit obsessed on financial security and the truth is this industry provide competitive offers. Working in this industry is probably the most natural and easiest way to achieve my independence and god knows how much I value it.

Sigh, may I find the answers that I need. Godspeed