5 stages of grief – Anger

Diary, Move on

On the path to move on

I remember last month, I was still in denial. When I mentioned him with friends I referred him as my partner instead of ex. Then, I watch TLC short clip about a couple fighting. At that instant, it reminded me that my relationship was not perfect, there were moments where I should have fought and confronted him about some issues that we have instead of crying inside. Maybe deep down I knew that he won’t change and if I brought those topics I had to leave him.

I am angry now because I realised that his silence and the word “I don’t know” answered my questions. He is not the man that I need. He was too coward to said the truth, he did not have any intention to make it work, instead he just gave up. What an easy way out indeed.

This is a progress for me, because now when I look back. I will not only remember the happy memory, but also a reality that our relationship did not work. I need a strong, responsible and steady man who without a doubt love me.

I am starting to adjust my life. I  filled my weekend with outdoor activities although I still miss our pillow talk.  My friends told me to find more close friends because it will help me with loneliness. I guess that is what I am gonna do next.

P.S. I lost weight and got hit on by strangers. I guess I am not that bad.

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I think I am okay now

Diary, Uncategorized

 A month after  the break up (almost).

Prior and until the time we broke up, I was at a low point in my life, I did’t get an offer from my next dream job. I cried a lot worrying about getting fired at my current job and a possibility of being a loser who are unemployed for months. To make things worse I just tried new skincare products so my skin was peeling and my energy was drained from processing my visa.

I told him that I lost my confidence. I attach myself worth on my achievements.  Good career, good education, and reputation and without it, I was lost. For the first time, I have no idea what is my life plan for the next few years. When I first entered uni, I thought I got my shit together. I already planned my life till I was 30. Get a full scholarship in uni, take an honour in economics and a cadetship at reserve bank then get a PhD in MIT and enrol at young economist program at IMF and having cute baby before 30.

Then..I got a reality check. It turned out  I needed to stay up in library till 2 am for days  just to finish my assignments. The math was brutal and I barely survived uni. So I had to say good by to my dream of doing honour research and the subsequent life plan. Midway, I started to shift my focus to what I do best. Finance. I applied graduate job as a trader in my second year, interned in Wall Street, took CFA exam in my final year. My boss then told me, I can be a millionaire if I can keep up your current performance.

I felt like I was on top of the world, potential high 6 figures job right after I graduated. Guaranteed sponsored visa when my visa expire in few years. I already started to dreamed about buying my first house in cash, spoiling my parents with trip to Europe with my own money. Hahahaha. I was so naive. My performance decreased. I had few reds on monthly reports and barely make profit in yearly performance. I could’t pint point what went wrong but I  guess that I got nervous and screw it up. Then I was only allowed to trade with 1 type of technical strategy because of that and it limited my ability to speculate.

He said, maybe my current job was not meant to be. It made my cried when I had losing streak. I had bad dreams about it. I lost my interest,  I was so depressed and question who would give me that kind of opportunity next?

Until now…

I wanted to thank him for believing in me when I didn’t. For  never doubting my potentials when I hesitate. He said it get better and I don’t need to worry so much.

I think I began to see me from his eyes now. he is right. Things get better. The new skincare product works, my skin is glowing and healthy (I got hit on by strangers). I lost few pounds, received few job offers that boost my confidence, and I have an important interview on Wednesday at fund managements with higher salary and better career progression. I don’t even care if I get fired anymore.

I was limiting myself.

I thought not being able to speculate on millions of dollar asset under management at my current place is the end of the world. While there are millions of company that are worth billions, the one that scheduled an interview with me managed more than 100 billions of dollar. Maybe life has a bigger plan for me. I want to believe that.

Having had him in my life limited my career plan to some extend. I didn’t mind that if he was brave enough to made a commitment to me. Declare his intention, meet my parents and  promise me that he will stay with me even when things get hard. Then we could overcome our challenges and have our own little family.

Damn, I began fantasising again.

Wake up girl! I have a chance to go big this time and I hope I will do what is best for me.

I don’t think about  him that often anymore, but it scares me because how come someone that means a lot to you suddenly become a stranger. Vanish in a thin air. My heart still yearn for him. I wish he can see me at my best condition. However,

I think I am okay now.

Let there be less hatred around us

Poems

A group of teenagers were walking near me

One of them called me “fat b*tch”

I am not fat nor have a shitty attitude

But it was still hurtful

 

I really wanted  to give them a lesson

until I realised that they are lost souls

young men who thought that profanities to a woman is acceptable

they may have copied it from someone around them

or those lads observed it on social media that it was okay to spread negativity.

I don’t understand them, but for our sake I hope they learn kindness.

 

To the responsible adults out there,

I hope we can  lead our young generation by example

Show them compassions, respect, politeness  and many others virtues

let there be less hatred around us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Self Help to Do List

Diary, Move on

I went on a scale tonight and realise that I have gained a few kilos. I guess those crying sessions accompanied with some comfort foods are responsible for it. I am not proud of it and intend to lose back those fat.

I know that the best way to move on is to work on my self, I was focusing on improving my skin that I forget about having a instagramable body so here is the list of improvement project that I take.

  • Flawless Face

to achieve a high maintenance look I will stick to my morning and night skincare routine that was  prescribed by my dermatologist. I’ve followed it for a month and see a improvement, although on rare occasion I fell asleep and forget to put it on. In addition I am also putting a turmeric mask twice a week, and always make sure my lips is moist with lip balm. I will also shave my face once a week.

  • Smoking hot body

It was easy to maintain exercising when I was in relationship because I have partner in playing tennis and rock climbing now I am still looking for options, I guess jogging in the morning 3 times a week will help clearing my mind accompanied by specific workout routine twice a week. I might go back to a dance class but I will wait until I know where to settle in the long run because I am still in transition, I will find a new sport that I find interesting and can be done alone. oh yeah, one more thing, definitely no junk food. I ate a slice of chocolate cake and 10 wings on the day I break up, and maybe some ice cream, hahahaha.

  • Completed Yiruma songs in piano

I always find the best way to wallow the sadness is to play sad songs that make you feel melancholic and Yiruma’s songs always work for me. I am currently playing Love me, and  will relearn if I could see you again, maybe, kiss the rain, and river flow in you. I will give my self 3 month to master sad songs by yiruma so Instead of crying i can cry with my musics

  • Work on my trading skills

This one more on surviving skills as I have been avoiding enhancing my skills in this area. It was challenging and the way I cope with it is by avoiding it. For me trading often took emotional tolls on me. I havent made a specifics plan on how I am gonna achieve it but one I do I’ll let you know.

I feel like by writing it I am owing to myself that I need to be held accountable for my word. My heart might be hurting but they dont need to know it. Who knows, maybe if we ever meet again he will said, man.. she is the one that got away. Anyway, wish me luck!

P.S. I decline the job offer in Sydney and currently looking for a better one.

 

 

 

To move or not to move

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Week 2 since the break up,

There were moments where I instinctively thought of him.  Night is the worse, because I suddenly feel alone, no one to talk to after a long day, no one beside me.

I guess it is true, loneliness is a disease that should not be underestimated. I want to escape my reality. So,  in attempt to fix my situation I instinctively applied for jobs in other cities. I didn’t think about the details and implications. All I want is to run away. Until today.

This morning I received a job offer in Sydney as a research associate in a proxy firm. I know I am not passionate in doing qualitative analysis without allowed to trades on my own account. but on the other side I always manage to love what I am doing and it is a good transition to bridge my move to Sydney.  If I move to Sydney they give me a month from now to relocate.

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I am having a second doubt about it, and I am not sure what is  the source of my doubt. Could it be that if I move, it means that the break up is permanent? that it is is real,   or is it because relocating to another city within a month is too soon?  or Maybe because I think I can do score a better job and it is not the move that I am worried but the career progression.

But if it is the career, I can just work there for 6 month and apply for another job when I am already in Sydney?  or maybe it is the combinations of all of those things.

I don’t know  but I  need to find the answer, because time is running out.

P.S. I’ll keep you update.

 

 

Disrupted Routines

Diary, Move on

Day 6,

It is weekend and I have no idea what I should do with my free time. One of the thing that I hate about break up is how it changes my dynamic, I lost my balance. I had developed routines and habit when he came in to my life, and with he is gone, I need to adjust.

Here I am, watching tv alone, in my bed. Wishing I have someone to cuddle and throw banter with. Normally, we did wall climbing together while betting on whoever reach the top was getting free meal, we bought groceries together,  I cook for him or vice versa, I would sleep on his chest while watching movies, where he would cover my eyes when the scene was scary. I would beat his ass at tennis and maybe force him to drive with me far far away just to visit tourist attractions.

I was fun, and it became habits. Now, all the sudden, I am alone. when I watch movies,  wished he was here with me. I could sit for hours , talking about shit and doing nothing with him. sitting and doing nothing feel like wasting time when you do it alone.

I could not remember, what I used to do on weekend before he entered my life. maybe a biking trip with my friends once a while, visiting new places and talking shit. But we all grow up. I graduated from university and so did they. Some move to another cities, while others are distracted and burdened by new responsibilities. Everything changed.

For my sake, I better find a way to fill my weekend, to work on something that equally fulfilling as spending my time with him. It will be challenging, because I am used to being loved and pampered with affection.

To a loner like me, cuddles?

P.S. all the pictures in this blog are personal collection.

An Endeavor to Move on

Move on, Uncategorized

Day 5 since the break up

After days of crying I  suddenly feel okay, well maybe okay is not the right word, more like feeling numb and indifference.

I want to cry but I just couldn’t.  I really want to cry but I can’t and it confuse me. is it a feeling of relief? of is it my defence mechanism where my unconsciousness  desensitise  any sensation. I have yet to discover the answer.

Regardless how I feel, I watched some videos and make attempts to get my life  back, which is also why I am here. I want to document my experience and one day look back and see things differently (I assume I am gonna be wiser and smarter by then).

There are many suggestion on how to cope with broken heart, which includes blocking  ex’s phone number, deleting old pictures of us,  distracting myself with positive activities and also improving the quality of my relationship with my sisters  (the last suggestion is his recommendation, not that I had a bad relationship with them, it just I dont talk with them often).

I am a bit adamant on following most of those suggestions, I feel that deleting a former partner number is unnecessary because you might need to contact him one day for whatever reason, and deleting pictures in my perspective means you want to remove those memories forever from your life, the good and the bad ones, to some extend deleting those pictures make me feel like I do not embrace my past, that having had him in my life was a bad decision in life. Years from now I want to be able to look back and appreciate what happened, to reflect and laugh at the old version of me.  maybe on how chubby my cheeks was, or how obsolete was  my hairstyle.

Mending my relationship with my family members is actually not a good idea, but I am slightly pissed that the idea come from him and he has a point. So for now, I’ll just put that in my mind since the issues is so deeply rooted (I’ll work on it but slowly as this is a long term project).

So I guess I will start by writing why he is wrong for me and read it every time I have impulse to contact him.

I’ve compiled the list below:

  • He doesn’t want to have children  – not with anyone, or maybe just not with me, who knows.
  • He is a health freak, I could never eat pistachio ice cream in front of him or order something that is not a superfood without him lecturing me and making me feel bad about it. He’ll make me feel like I’ve disappointed him. I would understand if I am overweight and my diet was unhealthy, but I know how to maintain my figure and an ice cream on a hot summer day after a romantic stroll in a beach wont hurt, specially if you work out after that.
  • He is pessimistic, he felt negative about the world and if he can choose, he wish he had never been born. When challenges appear he whined and said “why is world suck baby”, he felt bad but then he had intention to  change how he view it, or  a concrete plan to make life more bearable.
  • He is uncertain and indecisive about important things. When I asked important questions, most of the time his answer is “I don’t know” and that is all he have me. I appreciated his honesty but I wished he shared more about what he was thinking and assure me that he will find the answers and be more proactive in building our future.   I want a man who fight for me, who not only want me in his life but also find a way to include and put me in his life plan, a real man.
  • He can be a lazy bum who whines a lot and lack in fighting spirit. The world is hard but I want us to be tougher than it.

Naively, despite all of those I wanted him in my life. but  can’t because

 HE LET ME GO 

adieu my rock..

 

Numb

Poems

Do we actually enjoy pain? is feeling something actually  better than nothing?

A little part of me think that I  enjoy it.

The agony in my heart fills the void, it reminds me that I am still alive, that I still exist.

At least it is better then feeling numb, with no desire to live…

But Alas! the pain gradually subside

and it scares me because now I am left with nothing

 

 

 

 

 

Jatuh

Uncategorized

Dear Journal,

Untuk pertama kalinya dalam hidupku aku merasakan patah hati.  Aku membuka hatiku di umur 21 dan setelah 2 tahun bersama kami memutuskan untuk mengakhiri hubungan ini. Pedih rasanya, angan dan mimpi akan kehidupan bersama  yang dulu terlintas di benak ini seketika hilang. Masa depan yang ingin kami bangun melintas didepan mata sebelum akhirnya hilang untuk selamanya.

Amboi sungguh benar, bahwa cinta saja tidak cukup. kami mendambakan masa depan bersama, dan oleh karena itu  mulailah kami menyamakan visi dan rencana hidup. disitulah tersadar bahwa  kami menginginkan hal yang berbeda.  sekeras mungkin aku dan dia  berusaha menemukan jalan tengah, namun tak dapat diraih.

Dia membuatku tertawa, dia tahu aku, tidak hanya sisi baik tapi juga sisi buruk. aku belajar banyak dari perjalanan kisah kami.  Belajar untuk mencintai sesama,  belajar untuk lebih peduli dan mulai membuka hatiku yang beku. Aku mempelajari banyak hal tentang diriku sendiri.

Sisi baik dari semua ini adalah, aku tidak lagi terikat, tidak perlu lagi aku memasukkan ia dalam rencana hidupku, aku bebas mau tinggal dimana, New York? Melbourne?mungkin jangan london, karena ia memutuskan untuk hijrah ke london demi melupakan masa lalu.

Di sisi lain aku merasa sendirian, ia tidak hanya kekasihku tetapi juga sahabat yang menghiburku dikala aku menangis,  teman yang meminjamkan telinganya dikala aku membutuhkan.  Aku mulai merasa sendiri di kehidupan yang saat ini terlihat menakutkan dan kejam.

Masih sulit bagiku untuk menerima fakta bahwa inilah akhir cerita kita. ingin rasanya kupeluk dirinya, membenamkan kepalaku ke dadanya dan tak melepas pelukannya untuk selamanya.

Terima kasih atas kenangan indah yang kita ukir bersama, terima kasih atas cinta yang kau berikan, terima kasih karena telah mendampingiku selama ini. kamu adalah bagian dari kisah hidupku yang tak akan ku lupakan.

Aku mencintaimu

Sebuah Dongeng – Part 1

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Alkisah di sebuah pulau kecil diperbatasan Indonesia, hiduplah seorang gadis berkulit kuning langsat. Gadis tersebut selalu tersenyum terlepas dari apapun melanda hidupnya. Ibunya selalu berkata “mereka tidak perlu tahu apa yang terjadi dihidupmu, sesusah apapun jangan tunjukkan itu”. Gadis tersebut pun mengikuti saran ibunya.

Seiring berjalannya waktu, gadis tersebut tumbuh menjadi wanita yang  cerdas dan ambisius. Dengan sejuta mimpi dan harapan merantaulah iya kenegeri orang. Setengah bersemangat dan setengah takut,  dengan tekat yang bulat hiduplah iya sendiri.

Banyak tantangan yang dihadapi wanita tersebut namun tak pernah ia mengeluh kepada orang tuanya. Baginya, orang tua hanya perlu mendengar kabar baik, kabar buruk biarlah disimpan sendiri.

Namun, ada momen di mana sang gadis tidak dapat menahan kegelisahan yang melanda dihatinya. kegelisahan itu terus menetap dihatinya. Iya tahu ada sesuatu yang salah. Selama beberapa bulan terakhir, tangan anak tersebut bergetar, jantungnya berdebar kencang dan disaat kegelisahan itu memuncak sulit rasanya untuk bernafas.

Dalam hati iya ingin bercerita kepada ibunya, bersandar dan berbagi  tentang perjalanan hidupnya. Mulailah iya mengetes susasana, menganalisa bagaimana reaksi ibunya. Wanita itu pun bercerita sedikit mengenai kegelisahan yang dialaminya, tidak secara langsung tapi iya berkata “bu belakangan ini dada saya sering sakit , dan disebutkan lah beberapa ciri ciri yang dialaminya”.

Sebenarnya anak tersebut sudah tahu apa yang salah dalam dirinya, sebuah gangguan kecemasan yang cukup parah. Namun iya tidak ingin meberitahukan diagnosa tersebut. Iya ingin berobat agar iya menjadi lebih baik.

Alahkah terkejutnya gadis itu ketika melihat respon ibunya. Ibunya berkata kepadanya dengan nada yang kesal: “Jangan bilang ayah, gak usah ke dokter bikin cemas ayah aja nanti”.

Dalam diam hati anak tersebut terluka, untuk pertama kalinya anak tersebut berusaha  membuka dunianya kepada ibunya  dan yang beliau khawatirkan bukanlah gadis tersebut melainkan bagaimana ayahnya tidak akan senang jika anaknya mengeluh sakit.

Ibunya pun berbagi cerita lama untuk membela diri atas reaksinya tersebut.

Jika kamu sakit pasti ibu yang dimarahin ayah, dulu pernah kamu demam terus ayahmu teriak teriah dirumah sakit marahin suster, marahin ibu.

Dari apa yang gadis itu tangkap, secara tersirat ibu gadis tersebut menyampaikan bahwa apapun yang terjadi simpan saja sendiri, abaikan apapun hal negatif yang terjadi padamu, Ibu tidak ingin terlibat bikin repot saja.

Gadis tersebutpun berkata kepada dirinya “Kamu harus kuat ya, ada aku disini. Hal terbaik yang dapat kamu lakukan untuk dirimu adalah menjadi sesukses mungkin  dan menjelang kamu menggapai mimpimu, bertahanlah”.

Hal tersebutlah yang di lakukan gadis tersebut selama ini. Tersenyum meski hati menangis. Apakah gadis itu bahagia? Entahlah, gadis tersebut tidak tahu.

Terlepas dari apa yang iya rasakan, ajaran ibunya terus tengiang dihatinya.

“mereka tidak perlu tahu”.