A pursuit of peace of mind

A few years ago, a friend asked me what do I want to pray for. At that moment I dug deep and found an answer. I said, “I want a peace of mind”. My desire remains prevalent as I grow older. That was my epiphany. I am often restless at night worrying about future, feeling content is a luxury.

I tied my happiness on my achievements.

“I’ll be happy when I get promoted. “

“I’ll be happy after I win “, etc,

It is conditional. The drawback of this is those things only happen a few times in a year. I was happy 2-3 days out of 356, the rest of the time I was miserable.

I need to fix this, I need to find a way to find happiness in small things. Frankly I am still having trouble imagining it. The concept sounds extremely foreign to me.

Like, why should I be happy when I finish learning a song in piano? Why?

Why should I be happy on menial things. Well I guess that is my next challenge.

Find things to be happy for, and maybe read those cliche happiness books that I look down when people post them on social media.

ALAS! I should stop being so condescending. You know what, next post will be about small things that make me happy. I can’t think of any at the moment and yes.. that is so sad.

I’ll keep you posted. Wish me luck.

Happy Birthday J

My heart was heavy today and I did not know  why until I realised  that today is my ex birthday. I miss him. It is one of the days where I feel like sharing my life and talk about random shit then remember that the one that I want to talk  about my life is no longer in the picture.

I want to say happy birthday to him directly but I don’t think it is a good idea, it will only bring  painful memories and I prefer not to ruin his day. So I guess I am gonna say it here instead.

 Dear J,

Happy birthday. I wish you joy and happiness.

Temptations

“Temptation is the feeling we get when encountered by an opportunity to do what we innately know we shouldn’t.” 
― Steve Maraboli

One of the challenges of living alone is to resists the urge to stray from the right path. Whether it  is money, power or carnal desire. As life become more complex, I was faced with opportunities that seems too good to be passed.

For instance, insider trading. A good friend of mine want to borrow some money from me to speculate on a stock with promise to return it in full + percentage of profit and in worst scenario he paid all the lost with his land certificate as collateral. In this case I know that I won’t lose anything and that would be an easy money. I know him, I have collateral and even if the trade went south I still get back what I invested. But deep down even though I knew that I wasn’t right but I still consider it. The acquisition deal and its detail was not a public information yet and those people who handle it should know better not to use it.

Another case was to get high to not. Unfortunately in the city that I live, weed is illegal but still people do it anyway. I really want to get high and forget about life. But I don’t know if it is worth the risk.

For some people these type of temptations are easy, black and white. However, knowing that something bad doesn’t help me to restrain the urge. I just want to, that is it. For now, my logic still prevail but who knows hong long I can endure and repress my desire.

The core of the problem is in my opinion, my desire to succeed in life. Recently I had a few setbacks and it frustrates me because I really want it to be over. I tried and tried and tried but so far I have not seen the results. when will it be?

I want to harvest my effort. am I not patient enough? I do not know.

Be careful with people who are desperate, because they are dangerous. Unfortunately, I think I might be one of them.

For my sake, I hope I am strong enough to fight my temptations. My solution for now is to ask my friends opinion when I am about to do something stupid because honestly, my moral compass is not working as properly as I want it and having few friends that say ” you are an idiot” help.

 

 

 

 

5 stages of grief – Anger

On the path to move on

I remember last month, I was still in denial. When I mentioned him with friends I referred him as my partner instead of ex. Then, I watch TLC short clip about a couple fighting. At that instant, it reminded me that my relationship was not perfect, there were moments where I should have fought and confronted him about some issues that we have instead of crying inside. Maybe deep down I knew that he won’t change and if I brought those topics I had to leave him.

I am angry now because I realised that his silence and the word “I don’t know” answered my questions. He is not the man that I need. He was too coward to said the truth, he did not have any intention to make it work, instead he just gave up. What an easy way out indeed.

This is a progress for me, because now when I look back. I will not only remember the happy memory, but also a reality that our relationship did not work. I need a strong, responsible and steady man who without a doubt love me.

I am starting to adjust my life. I  filled my weekend with outdoor activities although I still miss our pillow talk.  My friends told me to find more close friends because it will help me with loneliness. I guess that is what I am gonna do next.

P.S. I lost weight and got hit on by strangers. I guess I am not that bad.

I think I am okay now

 A month after  the break up (almost).

Prior and until the time we broke up, I was at a low point in my life, I did’t get an offer from my next dream job. I cried a lot worrying about getting fired at my current job and a possibility of being a loser who are unemployed for months. To make things worse I just tried new skincare products so my skin was peeling and my energy was drained from processing my visa.

I told him that I lost my confidence. I attach myself worth on my achievements.  Good career, good education, and reputation and without it, I was lost. For the first time, I have no idea what is my life plan for the next few years. When I first entered uni, I thought I got my shit together. I already planned my life till I was 30. Get a full scholarship in uni, take an honour in economics and a cadetship at reserve bank then get a PhD in MIT and enrol at young economist program at IMF and having cute baby before 30.

Then..I got a reality check. It turned out  I needed to stay up in library till 2 am for days  just to finish my assignments. The math was brutal and I barely survived uni. So I had to say good by to my dream of doing honour research and the subsequent life plan. Midway, I started to shift my focus to what I do best. Finance. I applied graduate job as a trader in my second year, interned in Wall Street, took CFA exam in my final year. My boss then told me, I can be a millionaire if I can keep up your current performance.

I felt like I was on top of the world, potential high 6 figures job right after I graduated. Guaranteed sponsored visa when my visa expire in few years. I already started to dreamed about buying my first house in cash, spoiling my parents with trip to Europe with my own money. Hahahaha. I was so naive. My performance decreased. I had few reds on monthly reports and barely make profit in yearly performance. I could’t pint point what went wrong but I  guess that I got nervous and screw it up. Then I was only allowed to trade with 1 type of technical strategy because of that and it limited my ability to speculate.

He said, maybe my current job was not meant to be. It made my cried when I had losing streak. I had bad dreams about it. I lost my interest,  I was so depressed and question who would give me that kind of opportunity next?

Until now…

I wanted to thank him for believing in me when I didn’t. For  never doubting my potentials when I hesitate. He said it get better and I don’t need to worry so much.

I think I began to see me from his eyes now. he is right. Things get better. The new skincare product works, my skin is glowing and healthy (I got hit on by strangers). I lost few pounds, received few job offers that boost my confidence, and I have an important interview on Wednesday at fund managements with higher salary and better career progression. I don’t even care if I get fired anymore.

I was limiting myself.

I thought not being able to speculate on millions of dollar asset under management at my current place is the end of the world. While there are millions of company that are worth billions, the one that scheduled an interview with me managed more than 100 billions of dollar. Maybe life has a bigger plan for me. I want to believe that.

Having had him in my life limited my career plan to some extend. I didn’t mind that if he was brave enough to made a commitment to me. Declare his intention, meet my parents and  promise me that he will stay with me even when things get hard. Then we could overcome our challenges and have our own little family.

Damn, I began fantasising again.

Wake up girl! I have a chance to go big this time and I hope I will do what is best for me.

I don’t think about  him that often anymore, but it scares me because how come someone that means a lot to you suddenly become a stranger. Vanish in a thin air. My heart still yearn for him. I wish he can see me at my best condition. However,

I think I am okay now.

Self Help to Do List

I went on a scale tonight and realise that I have gained a few kilos. I guess those crying sessions accompanied with some comfort foods are responsible for it. I am not proud of it and intend to lose back those fat.

I know that the best way to move on is to work on my self, I was focusing on improving my skin that I forget about having a instagramable body so here is the list of improvement project that I take.

• Flawless Face

to achieve a high maintenance look I will stick to my morning and night skincare routine that was  prescribed by my dermatologist. I’ve followed it for a month and see a improvement, although on rare occasion I fell asleep and forget to put it on. In addition I am also putting a turmeric mask twice a week, and always make sure my lips is moist with lip balm. I will also shave my face once a week.

• Smoking hot body

It was easy to maintain exercising when I was in relationship because I have partner in playing tennis and rock climbing now I am still looking for options, I guess jogging in the morning 3 times a week will help clearing my mind accompanied by specific workout routine twice a week. I might go back to a dance class but I will wait until I know where to settle in the long run because I am still in transition, I will find a new sport that I find interesting and can be done alone. oh yeah, one more thing, definitely no junk food. I ate a slice of chocolate cake and 10 wings on the day I break up, and maybe some ice cream, hahahaha.

• Completed Yiruma songs in piano

I always find the best way to wallow the sadness is to play sad songs that make you feel melancholic and Yiruma’s songs always work for me. I am currently playing Love me, and  will relearn if I could see you again, maybe, kiss the rain, and river flow in you. I will give my self 3 month to master sad songs by yiruma so Instead of crying i can cry with my musics

• Work on my trading skills

This one more on surviving skills as I have been avoiding enhancing my skills in this area. It was challenging and the way I cope with it is by avoiding it. For me trading often took emotional tolls on me. I havent made a specifics plan on how I am gonna achieve it but one I do I’ll let you know.

I feel like by writing it I am owing to myself that I need to be held accountable for my word. My heart might be hurting but they dont need to know it. Who knows, maybe if we ever meet again he will said, man.. she is the one that got away. Anyway, wish me luck!

P.S. I decline the job offer in Sydney and currently looking for a better one.

 

 

 

Disrupted Routines

Day 6,

It is weekend and I have no idea what I should do with my free time. One of the thing that I hate about break up is how it changes my dynamic, I lost my balance. I had developed routines and habit when he came in to my life, and with he is gone, I need to adjust.

Here I am, watching tv alone, in my bed. Wishing I have someone to cuddle and throw banter with. Normally, we did wall climbing together while betting on whoever reach the top was getting free meal, we bought groceries together,  I cook for him or vice versa, I would sleep on his chest while watching movies, where he would cover my eyes when the scene was scary. I would beat his ass at tennis and maybe force him to drive with me far far away just to visit tourist attractions.

I was fun, and it became habits. Now, all the sudden, I am alone. when I watch movies,  wished he was here with me. I could sit for hours , talking about shit and doing nothing with him. sitting and doing nothing feel like wasting time when you do it alone.

I could not remember, what I used to do on weekend before he entered my life. maybe a biking trip with my friends once a while, visiting new places and talking shit. But we all grow up. I graduated from university and so did they. Some move to another cities, while others are distracted and burdened by new responsibilities. Everything changed.

For my sake, I better find a way to fill my weekend, to work on something that equally fulfilling as spending my time with him. It will be challenging, because I am used to being loved and pampered with affection.

To a loner like me, cuddles?

P.S. all the pictures in this blog are personal collection.

Disastrously messy bedroom

The emergence of new bad habits.

This is embarrassing, but recently I started to notice the emergence of bad habits into my life. At first I though it was a one time thing, but then the frequency increased and  I start to find excuses to justify my actions up to a point where it cannot  be tolerated  anymore.

Some of them are  rooted from internal conflicts that I’m trying to deal with, these habits are fatal, as it manages to cause  me some serious damages -I’ll discussed about it later. While the rest are less lethal and  trivial. These Include:

• piling up dirty clothes (not something that i’m proud of)
• Staying up all night and wake up at 2 pm
• Ignoring my phone for days
• Not taking care of my body, let alone my face
• starve myself and not doing anything productive

Small little things matter

An old adage once said, start with something small and then work through it. Well, I made it up. Anyway, since it will take some time to cope with my personal issues. I’ve decided to break the “new trivial  bad habits” that have risen one by one and subsequenly  gain myself-worth back.

Mens sana in corpore sano

A sound mind within a sound body, vice versa. Considering my current state right now, staying alive and properly cleanse are imperative. How can I respect myself if I couldn’t even take care of myself.

 A little advice for myself

Dear Myself,

listen to me, SUCK IT UP!

Get yourself together. Promise me that tomorrow, once you wake up, you will clean your bedroom, washed your clothes, take a long bath and take care of your body. Have a day. I’m not asking you to have a great day, I’m asking you to have a day, merely doing those little things is more than enough for a start.  Day by day.

I wonder what will happen if I focus my energy on these superficials things. Appearance, daily chores and liabilities.  I hope that it will gives me energy, which does not have to be big, but suffice to trigger another action. At least i have to make sure that i’m moving forward from my current state. Lying half naked on my disquistingly messy bedroom, while distracting myself from cleaning it.

See you soon,

Love F.

 

 

 

 

Terjebak di antara dua dunia – part one

Dear journal,

Seiring berjalannya waktu, aku tidak lagi melihat dunia dengan hitam dan putih. Aku tidak lagi menghakimi dunia dan mulai memahami mengapa sesuatu terjadi. Aku percaya dengan kebaikan universal, hidup dengan cara menghormati sesama, berterus terang,  dan penih kasih sayang. sampai sekarang aku masih percaya dengan hal tersebut, namun bagaimana dengan menggunakan keburukan demi mencapai kebaikan yang lebih besar?

are goods and evils relative?

Apakah moralitas hanyalah alat yang digunakan oleh manusia untuk mencapai tujuan mereka? bagaimana  jika keadaan mengharuskanmu untuk  bertangan dingin?  bagaimana jika untuk mencapai kebahagianmu kamu harus mengorbankan/menyakiti  perasaan orang kau cintai?  egoiskah dirimu  jika kamu mementingkan kebahagianmu?

Beberapa tahun yang lalu, aku membaca sebuah buku yang mengubah pandanganku tentang moralitas. The Prince, karya Machiavelli. Amboi! aku tidak percaya bahwa aku tidak pernah mendengar tentang beliau sebelumnya. Genius!

Terkadang kita bersikap munafik, menghakimi  dan mengutuk perbuatan orang lain yang mempunyai pandangan yang berbeda dengan kita tanpa melihat keseluruhan cerita. Tanpa memberikan mereka kesempatan, kita merasa diri kita jauh lebih baik dari mereka, padahal kita tidak tahu apa yang mereka lalui, apa yang harus mereka korbankan.

Akupun mulai tertarik dengan literatur literatur yang menyimpan sisi gelap,seperti 48 laws of  power and beyond goods and evils, buku yang menganjurkanku untuk berpura pura terlihat lemah di depan seseorang yang mempunyai kemampuan untuk menghancurkanmu dan juga mengangkatmu. Apakah itu bodoh? entahlah, aku menganggap itu praktis dan efektif, tapi ingat akupun masih belajar, apa yang aku percaya saat ini bisa berubah.

Human  mind is fickle

Apakah pandanganku akan dunia yang membuatku tidak bahagia? Mungkin.

Ketika aku dihadapkan dengan situasi yang mengubah pandanganku, pandangan yang ditanamkan oleh orang tuaku, hatiku mulai gamang.Yang manakah yang benar? semakin aku mengamati dan belajar, semakin gelap dan suram perasaanku.

Politik, ekonomi, agama dan  pandangan akan hidup. Penasaran, itu yang ku rasakan. Aku bernah berkata kepada ibuku bahwa cara terbaik untuk melindungi diri adalah dangan menjadi Apathy, netral dan menerima dunia apa adanya. Termasuk aturan mainnya. aku tidak bangga dengan sikapku, tapi pilhan yang bijak. Aku bisa melihat dari berbagai sisi dan tidak menghabiskan emosi untuk membela satu sisi.

Apakah yang kan terjadi dikemudian hari? seperti halnya status quo yang tidak dapat bertahan selamanya, suatu hari aku akan dihadapkan pada situasi yang mengharuskanku untuk memilih.

Pertanyaannya adalah, where do i belong?

 

 

 

 

 

Berantakan

Dear journal,

Belakangan ini aku mulai menyadari betapa berantakannya hidupku, baik secara fisik maupun secara mental. Ada perasaan yang tidak dapat aku jelaskan, dan aku mengekspresikannya dengan cara menyendiri dan  berkhayal. Asik membangun dunia  yang ada di kepalaku dibandingkan dengan membangun mimpiku di dunia nyata

Tidak hanya itu, aku pun sering menangis tanpa sebab. Mamaku pernah berkata:

Nikmat mana lagi yang kamu dustakan?

Aku tak tahu bu, aku beruntung dibesarkan oleh keluarga yang selalu mendukung mimpi mimpiku. Itu suatu kemewahan yang tidak  semua orang bisa dapatkan. Namun mengapa aku tidak bahagia, , mengapa aku merasa sangat sulit untuk melepaskan emosiku, mengapa aku  kehilangan hasrat yang dulu pernah ada di dalam diri ini?

Amboi, banyak sekali pertanyaanku.

Aku ingin bahagia, aku ingin dikasihi. Sedesperate itukah diriku? entahlah. Satu hal yang pasti, ini semua tidak bisa dibiarkan.

perlahan demi perlahan aku mulai kehilangan diriku, hancur dalam kebiasaan kebiasaan baru yang merusak diri. Jika terus dibiarkan duniaku akan hancur didepan mataku.

Hey, itu bukan dirimu F. berjanjilah padaku bahwa kamu tidak akan mensabotase dirimu lagi. Bukalah dirimu dengan pengalaman pengalaman baru. Belajarlah mencintai, walau cinta itu belum tentu berbalas. Mandi, cuci rambutmu, cuci bajumu dan tetap hidup.

Dunia ini masih panjang,

oh ya badan gua udah gatal nih, gak mandi mandi.

wait, tuh kan aku mulai berbicara dengan diri sendiri lagi. sepertinya aku perlu membawa buku, dan menghitung seberapa sering aku berhayal, membatasi waktu berhayalku menjadi 5 menit perhari, dibandinkan 5 jam. Hahahaha.

Udah dulu ah, nanti aku sambung lagi. Mau nonton bentar, cuci muka, lalu tidur.

Sampai jumpa besok malam.

PS. besok pagi kamu mandi dan beresin kamar dikir dikit ya, masa kamar kamu jadi kaya kapal pecah. Payah.